What Growth Really Looks Like

This is letting go.

I’m sitting here as my husband is off signing the last papers selling our beloved house west of town in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. It was a house we thought we’d live in forever. Then, when we sorta outgrew it and outgrew the available internet speed, we thought we’d move back there one day.

For the last 7 years, we’ve loved that house like it was our baby. We planted peach, apple, cherry and mulberry trees along with rosemary and all the native butterfly and hummingbird favorites. We’ve been feeding the scrub jays, the goldfinches, juncos, buntings, stellar jays, the ground squirrels, the deer and the hummingbirds like they’re our family.

And yesterday we moved out and locked the door for the last time. Selling that house enables huge growth for us in terms of finances and convenience. It’s all good stuff. It’s all stuff we chose and would chose again.

But damn, it’s hard to let it go.

I cried sitting in the uhaul. I’m crying now. I’ll cry again. But I’ve been in this emotional soup before. I know that this is what growth feels like. This is why the tarot card of “new beginnings” is the death card. Chaos is the emptiness from which everything is created. Something has to die, or go away, in order for something new to arise. And this death of the small, sweet thing (or person) we’ve been, loved, and grown accustomed to, requires mourning.

I think we all want to run from the loss straight into the warm glow of accomplishment. But it would be insane to try to talk myself out of my tears, telling myself “it’s all for the best” or “on to bigger and better.” While those things are true, we’ve got to feel our feelings. Just f*cking sit there and let yourself cry until you’re done.

You have to let go of who you’ve been in order to become what you might be.

The letting go requires its own space and time. Otherwise you’re fake letting go, and that crap never works.

If you ever need some one to cry with, who won’t try to make you feel better… you know how to find me. If you’re a lone cryer, I see you. My heart is with you. And I’m always excited to support anyone growing, becoming whoever they might be.